It looks like Nolan will be my only biological child
Maybe our only one period. I don't know how I feel about that.
Actually I do.
I Don't like it.
That realization just might be the most heartbreaking one yet.
It means I'm not cut out to be a mom and I might never be. It doesn't matter how a child entered my family but how they're treated and raised thereafter. I certainly don't want to pass on my weak brain veins if it is genetic. Knowing I can't mother well is too much for me.
I can't take it and I don't want to.
With every mini stroke I pawn off all my motherly duties to others. I don't think how I am is fair to Nolan but I need him probably more than he needs me.
I'm not ready for the sheer amount of work and sacrifice involved. not with my limits anyway,
Thi is so hard. I didn't ask for this and would never wish it on anyone no matter how bad a person they might be. it's times like this I wonder why I survived that first bleed. What's the point of being a burden to those I love? What's the point of working my tail off to do what comes automatically to children?
If I'm not a mother who am I?
You are Marlene. You are a child of God, you are a sister, you are a daughter, you are a friend, you are a Mother. To 1 child, 1 wonderful, fun and spunky child. You are teaching Nolan to love all, to not judge a book by it's cover. You are teaching him to serve and to be independent. You are the best mother he knows. You are wonderful the way you are.
ReplyDeleteMarlene. I have been following what has happened to you long since we left Wymount. I have wanted to post many times and haven't, I haven't found the right words so i have said nothing. I want to apologize for that and I want you to know that I think you are amazing! I have thought about you many times since Wymount and I am amazed at all you have done. I know why you made it through your first bleed, and the reasons are many. You have been such an example to me and to others. You could have given up after your first bleed but you didn't. You had a precious little life growing inside of you, your motherly instincts pushed you to survive for your son. You gave your son life, you gave him the opportunity to be here on the earth.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is breaking for you at the thought that you will not be able to have more children. That is a very sensitive emotion that I am sure is magnified by your current situation. It is very natural to be feeling what you are about your abilities as a mother. As mothers we all have our feelings of insecurity and I have thought about you several times when having a tough day. I gain strength from you.
You gave Nolan life, you fought for it, and there is something only you can give Nolan, and that is you. You are his wonderful, beautiful, and strong mother. You are teaching him lessons that he would not learn from anyone else but you. It may not seam this way but he does need you. Every little boy needs their mother.
I can't imagine what it is like having to rely on others to help me raise my child but i bet Nolan is not a burden and that he is touching and shaping their lives as much as he is being shaped by them.
Three years ago we were told that we might not be able to have our own biological children and my hopes and dreams of motherhood came crashing to the ground. I was devastated to say the least. I learned a few life long lessons from that, 1. you have to grieve for loss of the dream, 2. you have to find your new normal, and 3. sometimes the way we see our dreams has to change. It took me a while to be ok with that. It is ok to be upset and you need to grieve this loss because it is a loss.
Please don't give up! Don't ever give up! You are loved by so many and you have a Father in heaven that loves you. It might not feel that way but he does and he didn't intend for us to go through this life alone so he has sent people to help.
I love you Marlene and have ever since I was given the opportunity to serve you all those years ago!
I have noticed that evening time is when you start feeling down. I don't know how you get through all this. But, somehow you are. You don't give yourself enough credit. Having others help you watch Nolan through this time is only temporary not permanent. You have been a great mother to Nolan through it all. That is why Heavenly Father has blessed you with this special boy.
ReplyDeleteI remember when he was newborn and he would just lay there quietly while it would take you 10 minutes to change his diaper because of your dexterity being changed from the first stroke. Then you would dress him in the cutest matching outfits. I never saw a baby dressed so cute.
I love how you told me how her cheered you on when you tried to get to the playground. "You can do it Mama!!" He made you smile broadly that day.
Then I remember when you were trying to get into your apartment about 8 months ago and he got behind you and held your hips so you wouldn't fall.
Then when Stephen got home from ICU over the weekend and asked him, "Where's Mama?" You are his mother and he knows that from all the examples I gave and then more that I haven't written.
You will see how important you are to him through the years of raising him. Because of your condition you will teach him to be compassionate, patient, and loving to those who have specials needs. He will understand family challenges because he has lived through them. But, in his own childlike way he is okay with it and accepts it unconditionally. You put conditions on yourself-Marlene. He does not put conditions on you. He does not know any difference of how he is being mothered because you are doing a great job of it.
As the years go by and as he grows older (and you survive through his teenage years) you will be super satisfied how you and Stephen raised him. Just like how satisfied I feel how Dad and I raised you.
Your post reminded me of this quote:
ReplyDeleteTo the world you may be one person.
But to one person you may be the world.
I know it's not what you anticipated for your life, and it's not what anyone would have wished for you. You are THE WORLD to your little boy. Heavenly Father gave you the gift to be that to him.
Still praying for you. Stay strong, mentally and spiritually. You ARE everything you need to be.
I think it's time to do a little soul searching....And have you considered that this trial isn't only for you, but to teach others to serve and to teach others certain lessons? Maybe it will teach Nolan how to be a great son and how to be a great service to his mother. Maybe because he has to be more independent, he will grow up to be an amazing young man. Maybe it's to help Stephen learn certain lessons, I don't know what. Maybe it's to give Mom something to do (because she doesn't have anything else to do :P) A mother is not the only identity of a woman. A woman is a friend, a sister, a daughter, a wife, and SOOOO many other things. And you are a mother, no matter what your capabilities. You can still teach him through your words and how you act. Just because you can't act like a "typical" mother doesn't mean you aren't fit to be a mother. "Cheer up Charlie, no need to frown." And just because you can't have MORE children, it doesn't mean that you aren't cut out to be a mom. There are many other women who can't do physical things who are still mothers, just like you. The duty of a mother is to teach your child to be a good person, to love the gospel and the Lord, and to try their best. The duty of a mother is to nurture and love. Those are all things that you can do Just because you need help with the physical things, it does not make you unfit to be a mother. We love you, Marlene, and you are doing a great job with what you have been given. Don't let the blues take hold of you. Try to find the good in every moment of every day. :)
ReplyDeleteI just realized something,
ReplyDeleteThere is a very real void in my life and I've
trying to fill it with children but that won't make me happy. I need to figure out what will. I hope conference helps me figure that out.
That's a good realization. I've gone through some hard times and had to do some soul searching and in the end I discovered I didn't need the thing I was chasing - it was a solution that I thought would fix things, but it wasn't. More than anything else (dinner, clean home, playdates), a child needs love from a mother. And you can give that to Nolan - more than many other children get. Which makes him much luckier than a LOT of children out there. If you can just love him, then that makes you a better mother than a of others out there too. Let us know what you discover from conference!
ReplyDelete-Ash