I have been on a kick about getting us out of debt and doing heavy budgeting. Sometimes Stephen and I will talk about what we want to save money for or what we need to pay off or whatever. Stephen wants to travel and I do too. I think it's a bigger priority to him than to me but it's not a competition here. Sometimes Stephen would suggest traveling to some destination and my reply was just to wait until after I recover then we can go.
Stephen really likes the beach. We went to the San Diego area for my Grandpa's birthday. The house that we all rented was right on the beach and Stephen would often go walking down the shore while I hung out with my sisters Unfortunately none of my devices work on sand. One time my sisters and I went to meet Stephen at the beach and they tried to push my wheelchair through the sand. It just sunk into it like a brick in water. The nearest lifeguard got us a beach wheelchair which was basically a bunch of buoys latched together. I had no control whatsoever in there but it worked. I had to be pushed by someone strong and I could not make myself go forward or steer myself or anything. Luckily I had family that wanted to wait on me hand and foot but they are not always going to be there. there are ways around it like boardwalk and special (expensive! ) Sand wheelchairs. It's still not the same.
Of course both he and Nolan want to go back.
It does not matter if I want to travel to a beach destination because I can't do sand anyway. Also if it was a small family vacation then I wouldn't have anyone to push the Lifeguard sand wheelchair. I'd probably just sit on the pathway and watch Nolan play in the waves. That reminds me of when someone pushed my sand wheelchair far enough to be with the family but Stephen and Nolan played in the waves running back and forth while I sat at the shore and watched. After I recover then I can play in the waves with them. Even without traveling I could do snow balls or sledding, but my devices don't do snow either. I strive to my cooter to the sidewalk and I hold the dogs leaves and watch Stephen and Nolan play in the snow. At Easter time, the hunts are all throughout the grass which is possible but limited. Usually Stephen stays with him for that part. I just watch. Luckily last year the mom of Nolan's friend was able to accompany both of them on the hunt so he wouldn't miss out. I often have to get extra creative how I can be included in the activity. Sometimes I take pictures. After I recover then I can be right there with him and I won't have to worry about terrain or battery life or being pushed.
Unfortunately, there is no "after". Stroke recovery is a lifelong pursuit. I hope I'll work my way out of a wheelchair but I'll never be the same as my uninjured self. I need to learn to integrate recovery into my daily life because I'll miss out on a couple more decades of Nolan's life provided I live that long. I have a large feeling of resistance to the life of a stroke survivor. I don't want it. I need to come to terms with the fact that I have a stroke survivors life whether I want it or not. I need to somehow rearrange my self-identity and the view to be like a stroke survivor mother that is Marlene and I...i don't know. I also need to find a balance between having Noonan's friends think it's kind of cool that Nolan's mom has all these devices and not letting a seven-year-old destroy my$4,000 wheelchair. By the way I don't let them destroy anything like that.
There is so much mental recovery that I have yet to do. I probably could have done that kind of recovery earlier if I had gotten over the illusion of life after stroke recovery.
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